New Blog

Hello!  I have moved this blog to wordpress.  You can find me at http://howiejom.wordpress.com/
I hope you enjoy the new blog.

Surprise lesson for mom

My son and daughter were having a hard time getting along. There are times they play together great. Like they're the best of friends. Most moments though, my boys play together and my daughter, who is in between the boys in age, feels left out. My husband and I found out my oldest son says his little sister is to loud and that's why he doesn't like to play with her. We could certainly understand that. She is loud. So we just let it go. That was a mistake.

During the next few days my son would tell his sister, “I don't want to play with you. You're to loud! Leave me alone.” I could see this was not going well. I didn't want my daughter to have this label of being “loud” branded on her. As I thought about it and watched her the next few days I could see she isn't trying to be “loud”. She's a very expressive person. She really gets into her stories and comments. You have no doubt how she feels because she shows it in her voice and body language. It's actually one of the things I like about her. She's good at conveying her thoughts and feelings. I believe she'll learn how to handle things with more tact as she gets older. (She's only in kindergarten.) In the meantime I want my son to learn to love her and be kind to her. I prayed that the Lord would show me how to turn this into a good character building lesson for all of them.

On Monday we all gathered at the table after breakfast to start our homeschooling day with a devotional as we do most school mornings. (On Mondays I always read the Spelling story for devotions. The curriculum I use has a story at the beginning of the week that teach them biblical character along with the spelling words.) The devotional that morning was perfect. The kids in the story had to write something they liked about everyone in their classroom. Then everyone got a piece of paper with all the qualities their classmates like about them. I've done this project when I was a teenager and it had quite an impact on me. It was the perfect solution. I had my children say two things they liked about everyone in the family. This caused my son to think of the things he liked about his sister. It also showed my daughter that there are so many great things about her. This solved both my problems at the same time. It also had a surprising lesson in it for me. Since most of my children are to young to spell and write well, I took them in a room separately and wrote what they liked about everyone. Through this I learned what is important to each of my children. What makes them tick and speaks love to them. Bottom line was, playing with them and spending time together is what speaks love to them most. I thought to myself how many times my children come to me and want me to play with them and most of the time I can't because I'm cooking or housecleaning or trying to do something else. I really need to try to say yes to playing with them more often. I know there are times I truly can't but I was better at saying yes to them a few months ago. I just need to be intentional about it again.

“You should be like one big happy family, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds.” I Peter 3:8    

Overcomer

When I found out I was pregnant with my last son, I took it hard. We wanted more children but it was so soon to when I had my daughter. I didn't feel like I was ready for another baby...or another pregnancy. My pregnancies are rough on me. Between really bad morning sickness for four months or more, to my babies trying to come to early.

When I was seven months pregnant I went to a women's retreat. The speaker was talking about names. There are names and labels we have on us from the past but God also has names for us. Those names are true.

Out of a crowd of about 100-200 women she pointed out a few the Lord lead her to. She pointed to me and said you've had a hard pregnancy but the Lord says you're an overcomer. She wrote “Overcomer” on a piece of paper and gave it to me. I use it as a bookmark in my bible. Occasionally I'll come across it, usually on the days I need it most, and I remember to view myself and my life as the Lord does.

I tend to view myself and my life according to my circumstances but without troubles of life I would miss seeing the awesome power of God that reaches into my life to transform me into an overcomer. A “perfect” life sounds so appealing to me but Jesus didn't come to redeem “perfect” people. He came to redeem those who need help, for those whose lives are messy and broken. I've learned making mistakes and having heartaches in this life are nothing to be ashamed of. Jesus said, “ In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“They overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...” Revelation 12:11

It is through Jesus we have the power to overcome. 

Overcome – To conquer: defeat. To prevail over: surmount. To affect deeply. (Webster's Dictionary) Overcoming things on our own is difficult and sometimes impossible, but with Jesus it's a whole new story. With Jesus we can overcome our fears, guilt, depression, regret... I'm not saying it's easy. I am saying God has given us a gift that because of the blood of Jesus those of us who choose to be the Lord's are sealed with the Holy Spirit. In Him there is power to live the life Christ has for us. Power to be an overcomer. 

I've had a rough week of the enemy throwing all sorts of stuff at me. Using my mind, my past and my fears against me. As my mind struggles to focus on Christ I feel a very real battle going on. It's in those moments I must choose to not only believe but to act upon the fact that, “greater is He that is in me then he that is in the world.” (I John 4:4) I must choose to believe what God says about me is true. I must cast off the things that so easily entangle me and allow His Holy Spirit to rise up in me with purpose, power and love. As I allow the Holy Spirit to rise up in me it leaves no room for the enemy to feast on my weaknesses. 

I can't think of a better way to end this post then with this very powerful video that speaks what I've been talking about.

My Beautiful Mess

A beautiful mess. That's the theme this year for MOPS. Beautiful and mess. Those are two words I never thought I'd put together. Yet there they were, starring at me. I pondered on it awhile and it's so true.

With four kids I certainly have plenty of messes around the house. You can almost always count on finding a mess in my son's room. No matter how many times I have him clean it, it seems to be a mess again in ten minutes. Under the dining room table is another place that I can't keep clean. I sweep. Somehow food just shows up. There's piles of laundry, loads of dishes and no matter how hard I try those videos don't stay alphabetized. Yet, there is beauty in it. We have clothes to wear, food to eat, silly shows to keep us entertained and I have children. I am so blessed to have children. 

It really used to bother me that my house wasn't in perfect order. I tried to keep it that way, but realized I was spending every moment of the day cleaning and I became a grump. That's not the kind of mom I wanted to be. The height of it came after the birth of my third child. I was trying to keep the house in perfect order, have dinner ready every day when my husband came home, have the children perfectly obedient and do a great job homeschooling. Needless to say, I was filled with anxiety, depressed and constantly felt like a failure. After a few talks with my Pastor I realized I have a perfectionist personality. I had to take a hard look into my heart and realize what was and wasn't important. My relationship with my husband and children far outweighed an orderly home. Also being an example of balance for my children is important to me. They need to learn cleanliness and order but there must be time for play. I may have to force myself to look past the glitter on the table, the floor and in my child's hair and remind myself what's important is creating, learning and loving life together. I believe God wants us to enjoy the life He's given us.

It doesn't just stop with the order of our house though. It goes into the order of our lives. Sometimes mine feels like a mess to me. Maybe not a complete mess but certainly not as orderly and tidy as I want it to look and let's not look at my past because...well...oh my...not neat and tidy for sure!  For starters I've been divorced and everyone knows that's a no-no for a Christian. I often felt like there's a red letter D stamped on my forehead. Yet I can tell you God has taken my “mess” and made it beautiful. Praise God for His amazing grace! Out of His mercy He takes our banged up and broken lives and turns them into something beautiful. 

God isn't afraid of our messes. Jesus wasn't concerned about the tomb stinking when He raised Lazarus from the dead (John 11:38-44). He wasn't concerned about the plotting that was going on around Him before He was crucified. He knew all these things would be made beautiful and God would be glorified. It seems the more impossible the situation the more beautiful His light shines through.

A beautiful mess. After pondering on those words I say them and smile. I smile because God has blessed me with a husband and children. I smile because I know how awesome God is. I smile, with a sigh of relief, because I'm letting go of perfection and letting God turn my mess into His something beautiful.   

Fall Schedule

 

My son is a first grader and learning about seasons in science.  He was learning how the animals are very busy during the fall to prepare for winter.  It reminded me of how many of us are busy in the fall with our new fall schedules.  There are opportunities to do so many things, but each thing is a commitment of time and all of us have only so many slots of time available to us.

My kids have chores they are expected to do every day.  When they complete their chores they are given rewards.  One of those rewards is a ticket.  I have prizes in boxes.  There is a one ticket prize box, a two ticket prize box, a three ticket prize box and other special rewards they can get with four tickets.  My son was learning the other day to make wise decisions.  Spend now or save and get what he really wanted later.  He was learning but didn't like the lesson.  After much pouting and resisting on his part, he finally learned to be wise with his choices.  He choose to save and do another chore so he could get the prize he really wanted.  That was a proud mama moment for me :)

Just like my son learning to be wise how he spent his tickets I'm learning (once again) to be wise with the slots of time I have.  I have to stick with what's valuable to me.  Which is time with my kids to homeschool, time with my family to play, time with my husband, time for God and time for myself to unwind and/or be with friends.  There's only so much I can do each day.  What will I choose?

Even what I think is good for me isn't always the best call.  I continuously pray for the Lord's guidance as I make these choices.  He is faithful as He closes doors that I desperately wanted open.  Just a few days ago the door was closed on three different things.  I really wanted to do two of them.  I pouted and was crabby but all the while knew God knows what's best for my family and I.  I must continue to trust that He knows what He's doing and He's in control. 

I don't take my decisions lightly and I must stick to what I value or my life will easily get off balance.  I'm so glad God's goodness is there to cover me and guide me as I listen to Him.

Here & Now

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary by watching our wedding video with our two oldest kids.  It's amazing to see how time truly does go so fast.  My daughter was the flower girl.  She seemed so little then.  Now she's almost as tall as I am. 

It really doesn't seem that long ago yet it's been a lifetime ago.  Since then we've added three beautiful children.  They put so much joy in our lives.  

I know people say your wedding day is one of the best days of your life.  As my husband and I watched the video we were recalling how stressful of a day it was.  You can tell in some of the pictures that we weren't very relaxed. 

That moment was beautiful in that it was a turning point as we became husband and wife.  Our lives were changed as we joined our hearts in a commitment before the Lord. 

Changed for the better.  I have to say I enjoy life so much better now then I did then.  Even my husband and I's relationship is more solid.  More stable. 


In Loving Memory

I was surprised that I counted about eight people that came to our wedding who have passed away since.  I also realized I haven't seen most of the people I used to work with since my wedding day.  However, I have met so many wonderful people since that day.  They don't replace those I no longer see but certainly add to my life here & now. 

I don't want to be a person who lives in the past.  Instead I want to cherish all I have now and look to the future with great expectation and wonder as to which way God is leading us.  His ways often seems strange to me.  He is always good.  A giver of life.  My healer.  Celebrating our special day simply reminded me to cherish today.  To live and love the here & now. 

Room for a King

One of the things I like about owning our home is decorating and painting. Putting some of myself into the house. I decided before we moved in to dedicate the dining room to Jesus. A room fit for a King. (I know it may sound corny but stick with me. My love for Jesus makes me sound corny from time to time.)

It's been a few years now and we haven't had the money or time to makeover the dining room. I was sitting at the dining room table and telling the Lord I'm sorry I haven't hardly touched the room. About that time I glanced up at the TV in the living room and there was a travel show on showing the beautiful cathedrals full of golden chairs, the best fabrics and breath-taking art and stained glass. Every detail was grand.


At that moment it struck me that people go to great lengths to dedicate buildings, rooms, homes, pieces of art, etc. to God, yet what He really wants is our heart. The dedication of our heart, our life, our ALL is worth more to the Lord then all the jewels in the world. It's a relationship with us Jesus is interested in. I still plan to go ahead with my plans for the room fit for a King. What Jesus really wants to know is, do you have room in your heart for me?

When is quiet time?

For years now I have struggled with when to do my quiet time with the Lord. I am not keen on getting up early in the morning. I remember when I was a single/working mom with a full time job. I had to be at work at 8 but I had to get ready, take my daughter to daycare and commute. I kept thinking there should be a law that noone should get up so early. I eventually learned to enjoy watching the sunrise instead of complaining.

I've tried many times to get up faithfully at a set time in the morning before anyone in my family is up. Still I feel like I'm not at my best. I'm struggling to open my eyes as I'm pulling out the bible. Other times I was so anxious about waking the children I had a hard time focusing. If I didn't get up I would feel guilty. I've tried reading my bible during breakfast or even after breakfast while the kids play. That worked a few years ago but doesn't work as well anymore. Of course I have added a child (or two) since then.

I've heard some people say you should get up first thing in the morning because that's when Jesus got up to spend time alone with His Father. It's a time with less distractions. Also because it's like tithing in that you are giving Him the first portion of your day. Yet I've heard others say it doesn't matter when you spend time with the Lord. Just as long as you're doing it. What He wants is your heart. I can see both sides of it. Certainly if a person feels the Lord wants them to spend their quiet time at a specific time they should do that, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to get legalistic about it either.

What do you think? When do you spend your quiet time with the Lord? Have you always done it that way or has it changed as your life has changed?

I think I've decided to shower in the morning (I'm used to showering at night) just before the kids get up and pray. That will also get them out of bed a little earlier to get ready for school. So they can be waking up but still not bother me because my husband is still home and able to help with the kids. I hope it will work. Still not sure when to read my bible...

I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks! 

Family Matters

In dealing with the passing of my grandma this week I learned some things about myself and my extended family. As a child and teen I took for granted that my grandmother would always be there. In my twenties I was just going about my own life. Now I wish I would have visted her more. Asked her more questions. I always said I would but it didn't happen much. By the time I tried to visit her a few years ago I realized she had a some dimentia and it was a little tricky carrying on a conversation with her. I remember I was glad I visited her but was sad to see her like that.

My grandma was a good woman. She complained very little. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone and it always blessed me to see her walk in the door for Christmas or baby showers...whatever the event, she was there. That's one of the parts I'll miss the most about her. She was there...just because she loved me. I never felt any judgement from her. I also loved the way she said my name. Just something about it was pure grandma. I'll miss that.

After the funeral I was concerned if I would see some of my relatives again. She held the family together. I was told a few times to take a good look at the funeral because some I may not see again. That didn't settle well with me. We are not a close family but in the last few years I've begun to appreciate family roots more. I'm wanting to get to know them better not say good-bye.

The night after my grandma had passed I lay awake for several hours in the middle of the night. All I could think about was my aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings and I wondered how many others couldn't sleep. It was neat that even though we aren't close I still felt some strand that connected us all. When we choose friends we usually pick people with the same values and interests. One of the great things about family is it forces you to love others that may not share your values or interest or season of life and love them for a lifetime. A family is brought together by certain common factors. It's up to us to build on those and let those relationships grow or not. God knows people need community. From the moment we're born God provided that for us in our family. He truly is a good God!

In my last post I questioned why some relationships don't stand strong. Try as you might, some relationships just don't stay strong. Circumstances, skeletons in the closet or personality differences get in the way. The only thing I can really do is love on those who will let me love on them. I can't force anyone to be my friend or enjoy being my relative but I will do my best to pour the love of Jesus on all God brings my way.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:18-19, 21   

Confused

“Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreath; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath.”

I know a man this year who passed away at age 50. It was so hard for me to believe he was gone it took me going to his funeral to realize this was real. I know of a man who passed away just this week, only 34 years old. He left behind a loving wife and two young children. My heart breaks for this family. 

My grandmother is in her late eighties. There were several times recently we thought we were going to lose her but she's a fighter. She's beaten cancer more then once (three times I think). Yet, she loves the Lord and is ready to go home now. 

Death is a strange thing. Who, but God, knows the number of our days? In the span of time we are just a mist in the wind. You never know who or when... So most come to the conclusion we should be sure to tell our family and friends how much we love them. I agree...but relationships are a strange thing too. 

I just studied about family relationships and am now studying about friends. I'm learning what the bible has to say about it. Some relationships it's easy to say how much you love them, others … are not so easy. Some relationships I've found aren't as deep as you hoped they were or maybe there is no relationship when I thought there was. What do I do about that? I know there's a time to fight for relationships and a time to let go... It's hard to let go. What if I don't want to let go? I'm feeling a loss for those relationships that could have been/could be so much more. Lord, show me if it's time to let go or not...show me what to do because I don't know. 

Good relationships take time to develop. I'm fine with putting in the time but friendship is also a two way street. I have to say I've been dealing with feeling rejection and hurt in seeing the state of these relationships tonight. Trying to figure out how to deal with it. I know everybody is here at some point in their life. Not a fun place to be. 

One thing I do know: Jesus calls me His friend. Jesus has included me in His family. I am worth it to Him. His love never fails. Only in Him do I find peace. Only in Him can I find answers.

I have to say I do have a friend who has been dear to me this past year. She loves the Lord and has a heart of gold. My dear friend, you are a jewel in the rough world. A breath of fresh air. Thank you for being who God has called you to be and allowing Him to chip away at you and form you into the woman He wants you to be. You are awesome.

I've just got to add this because God is so awesome. So I'm sitting here typing this blog. Pouring my aching heart out and a new song comes on the radio called “You Are Wanted”.  Oh my goodness, what a perfect song for me right now. Thank you God, I so needed to hear that. Like a kiss from heaven. 

Tool or Vice

Facebook is a great tool to stay in contact with people. Especially when they live far away. It's fun to look at pics. I especially love pics of little kids. From time to time though, I decide to stay away from fb to keep myself in check. It's not that I spend a lot of time on there but I'm checking my heart motives. A few days ago I stayed off the computer, not just fb. It's amazing how many times the thought floated through my head to check this or that on the computer. Not that any of that is bad but I had to ask myself if that was the best use of my time at that moment. I found most of the time I was going there out of habit. Often I was trying to fill a need of wanting to connect with someone old enough to drive. I know many stay-at-home moms feel that way.

It made me realize that some things that are great tools can become vices. A tool is something you use to help you get a job done. A vice is something that has a hold on you from getting things done. Almost anything can be a vice. I realized these last few months that food is also a vice for me from time to time. This is a strange problem for me. I've never had to to ask myself if I'm eating because I'm hungry and if so was I making the best food choices. It's amazing how much of a grip food can have on you.

When Jesus was in the desert being tempted, Satan used the Bible against Him. You normally wouldn't think of the bible as a vice but used incorrectly, as Satan tries to do with us, it can be used as something negative. The bible is definitely NOT bad. I love God's word. Nor is food bad. You can't give up food but you can retrain yourself to think of it correctly. Your attitude and heart motive is the difference between something being used to help you or be used against you.

Now when I go on facebook, or even my computer, I ask myself what's my motive. Am I using this as a tool to help me accomplish something or am I just wasting time that could be better spent doing something else. Asking God what His perspective is can help. God is good. He will show you have to have balance.    

Summer Lessons

It's been awhile since I've written on my blog. I've been relearning some lessons this summer...the hard way.

My husband and I started out the summer frustrated with our financial situation. We were watching our list of needs and wants grow with no idea when we would be able to check things off. It was a time of testing for our hearts. Were we going to be angry with God or trust Him in everything? We both came to trusting Him again. At the same time we've seen God perform money miracles with all my medical expenses though they came subtly and the worries of life could have easily drowned the miracles out. We did recognize God's hand moving. The main thing I learned going through all of this is, a lot of it is about perspective.

To seal this idea in my mind I believe God had me go through a fun object lesson with my daughter. My family and I were driving into Omaha and my 4 year old daughter says, “I have to go potty.” UGH...We were on a part of the road where there wasn't a bathroom for awhile. By the way she was squirming around in her car seat I knew she wasn't going to last long. We were just crossing the river and my husband and I both remembered a new little outhouse building that was built by the river not to long ago. We had to stop there. It was right off the road. As we were walking to the car from her new outhouse experience I took a moment and noticed the beauty of the river and the trees. It was so nice and peaceful there. Like I could sit and relax awhile. It wasn't far from the hustle and bustle of the busy highway. We could see the road from where we were. We drive that road every Sunday on our way to church. The river never looked quite this beautiful and inviting from the road. It was so interesting how a little change in perspective changed everything. It's the same way with our finances. We had to change the way we looked at it. Instead of focusing on what we didn't have, we now focus on how grateful we are for all we do have, both material and non material things. We (my husband and I) are thankful for our family, for our church (which is like family to us), for each other, and mostly to be able to serve our awesome Lord Jesus. As far as the rest, God takes care of us and we will trust Him to direct our paths and supply our needs.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Something I've relearned is to not worry about what others say or do. It seems I've learned this, then a few months later I have to relearn it...then learn it again... Praise the Lord that He is patient with me.

It doesn't matter what someone says about me. What God says about me is what's true. Everyone else may have their opinions but only God's words are truth. Only His words should I take to heart. People's words can be toxic and deadly to us. Especially when I chew on it and stew on it and get angry... It can be all consuming and UGLY. If those words were not breathed through a heart of love I do not and should not allow them to plant seeds in my heart. God doesn't only tell us lovely words but also words of correction. When correction comes though, it is done in a life giving way. If what someone is saying to you doesn't match God's word, dismiss it and don't let it ruin your day or steal your joy.

I've learned that I need to evaluate what is best for my family and do that rather then being influenced by what other people are doing with their families. Only I understand what season(s) I'm in right not and how much I can handle. I need to remember that I need to only answer to Jesus for how I spend my time. Not anybody else. For myself, I've find simplicity is better. I've learned to go to the Lord and ask if I should spend my time in certain ways. Father knows best.

Along with that there have been times in my life when I've ached to be closer to certain people or groups of people and didn't understand why it wasn't happening. I've learned that the end result may not have been good or God wants to use me there but not yet. My usefulness may have been cut short if I jumped in with both feet now. Whatever the reason if the Holy Spirit isn't leading that way you don't go there. There is blessing where the Spirit leads. Otherwise you're using your own strength and that gets you nowhere but frustrated. God knows what He's doing.

An essential lesson I learned is I MUST spend quality time with Jesus every morning. The Christian walk is SO much more then being forgiven. It's dying to yourself daily, loving like Christ does and living like our servant King. I can't do that without spending time with Him. For me that means getting up about the time the sun does, so I can have time before everyone in my house wakes up. That's a hard thing for me to do every day. I usually do good for awhile then stop. I can't stop! I need Him every day, all day!

Lastly I've learned I can not become isolated.  That can be easy to do during the summer when bible studies and other groups I normally go to break for the summer.  It's also easy to get stuck in the demands of every day life with little ones.  However, though I need to get out I still need to keep my balance between busyness and being productive, between activity and worthwhile things.  Learning balances and boundaries are not always easy but good things to learn.

The Results are In

For the past nine months my husband and I have been trying to figure out what is going on with my health.  Finally, I think we have an answer.  This journey has given me a great deal of compassion and empathy with those who have to deal with a sickness for an extended period of time.  Some even for a lifetime.  If you are one of those people I have many times prayed for you as I walked down my own path.

Our answer came when I had to do three different breathe tests.  (That sounds easy but there was more to it then what you might think.)  One of those tests recreated all my symptoms.  I knew we were on to something.  I had to wait a few weeks to get the results.  I was going to wait til I had a chance to talk to my Dr. about it in three weeks but I've told a few people already so I figured I'd let you all know what's going on.  Plus I think this is something that others suffer with and maybe this could help. 

They discovered I am lactose intolerant but the main issue is my test came back positive for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO).  We have bacteria in our large intestine but are not  supposed to have much in our small intestine.  SIBO feeds off of sugars and starches.  So any sugar or starches I eat it takes from me to feed itself and reproduces.  This has caused me to be malnourished and is why I was losing weight.  Going on a gluten-free diet caused the bacteria to have less to feed off of.  That's why I stopped losing weight and also why going gluten-free helped me but did not completely take care of all my symptoms.  I'm still eating corn, rice, sugar and other starches. 

The Dr. wants me to take some antibiotics for about two weeks however the antibiotics are very expensive and often times you need to take more then one round of them.  We don't have the money to do that but I learned through doing some research that you can starve the bacteria by changing your diet.  It's a strict change and takes 18 months to three years to starve them out.  As I was looking up what I could and could not eat it was very overwhelming to me.  I really need to talk to a dietician but for now I'm just going to stay with a gluten-free diet. 

I've been asked what causes this.  From what I can see it can be several different things.  People with certain illnesses are more susceptible to SIBO.  Celiac Disease is one of those that are more susceptible.  They have not been able to determine if I have Celiac Disease or not because I went on the gluten-free diet before they did any of the tests.  I didn't realize that would mess up the tests.  I was just anxious to get my symptoms to stop.  Also when a person has constipation it introduces bad bacteria.  When you have diarrhea it strips out the good bacteria.  So any sickness you get that causes those can set you up for this bacteria to start growing.  The nurse was telling me it's important to take probiotics to help get some balance back. 

SIBO is the main underlying cause for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) but often goes undiagnosed.  If you suffer from IBS it may be worth it to see if SIBO is to blame.  You can get rid of it.  Ask your Dr. to get tested.  There is also a lot of great information on the internet about it.  I always check several different sources of information and try to make sure the sources are reliable.

I'm very thankful that we've found the source of the problem.  I still believe the Lord will heal me.  That could be divine healing or the use of doctors but whatever way He chooses I will give glory to Him.  He has walked with me through all of this and will never leave me.   It can be scary to know your body isn't functioning correctly but not know why.  It was scary to put on clothes that fit two weeks ago but now fall off of you.  I know that sounds great to some people but when it continuously happens and you know it's because something is not right in your body it's scary.  It's hard to have days you feel so sick but don't know why.  It's those moments I would strain to listen to the voice of truth.  Reading the Bible and listening for His voice puts me back on solid ground.  My quiet time has been invaluable to me.  Although I don't always get up when I should and sometimes don't get that time alone.  I always miss it when that happens.  Thank you Lord for standing with me.  For holding me up and reminding me you are with me.

My husband has also been awesome with all of this.  Some days I just didn't want to talk to any more Dr. offices and he would step in and talk to them for me.  He has done all the financial footwork which is an amazing story that's still being written.  My husband has also not let me ignore my symptoms and has helped me dig in further.  Thanks for watching out for me babe.  I don't think I would have gotten this far without him. 

I hope this has helped some people out and I will add to any information my Dr. gives me in a few weeks.

Praise the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all you diseases.                     Psalm 103:2-3      

                   

Hope

As my husband and I have been venturing through this season of life, it has left us feeling hopeless at times. For me personally I've even questioned God's love for me, which is pretty crazy because I know God loves me. God's love has been so transforming for me in the past that I've been a big advocate of it. Yet, we've gone through a time of wondering why God hasn't answered our prayers yet. (We've been praying for years for a specific thing.) It feels like recently God has been very silent with us. It's in those moments we would lose hope. Even though I know in my mind that the Lord loves me, my heart gets so downtrodden that I have a hard time believing His love.

All of this got me thinking about hope. I remember reading in the bible that God is a God of hope. I decided to dig further. The online bible study tool I use said there is over 300 references to hope but only 8 references for hopeless. This tells me God has a lot to say about hope.

But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24b-25

Hope for the Christian is not just wishful thinking. It's confident expectation. As Christians we have hope, or confident expectation, in things such as salvation through Christ (Eph. 4:4, Heb. 7:19), being with the Lord forever in future glory, Christ's 2^nd coming and the fulfillment of promises God has given us (like God's promise to Abraham for a son). Hope takes trust and faith in God.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we can not see. Hebrews 11:1 NLT

So what does this have to do with me questioning God's love for me? I really felt that these were tied together. Then I realized, when I feel loved by God I have faith and trust in God which also brings hope. The three are tied together. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:7,13 Our hope is based on God's love.

Recently my son was very unhappy because I gave him the choice between grapes or carrots for a snack and he wanted a popsicle or cookie. He had a snack but not what he wanted. The Lord showed me that I can be the same way and think that God doesn't love me that much because the answer to my prayer didn't look like I thought it would. Sometimes I don't even realize He answered my prayer because I was wanting a popsicle and God gave me carrots. I learned to open my eyes, stop limiting God and realize He loves me and knows what's in my best interest. If I don't open my eyes I may not see the beautiful miracles right before me.

Another time my four year old daughter was in tears because she got in trouble with her dad. I had to remind her that he still loves her but she needs to do what she's told. This made me think of when I mess up. I feel as if God loves me less but that's really not so. God loves me the same on good days and bad. He loves me the same this month as He did many years ago when He captivated my heart with His love and changed my life.

These simple lessons taught to me through my kids helped me remember God's unconditional, unchanging love for me. Then hope came flowing back over me. When I focus on the worries of life it chokes out hope and makes me unfruitful. I need to redirect my thinking back to things that are eternal. The things we see, the cares of our daily life are temporal. They are still important to God because He knows we need these things but they are temporal. To keep a proper perspective I need to focus a small amount of attention to things that are temporal and focus a large amount of attention to things that are eternal. That includes how much I think about them.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal. II Corinthians 4:18

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

ONE thing

My brother asked me if I could ask God for ONE thing and know that He would give it to me, what would I ask for? I asked my friends on facebook what they would say. There was so pretty good responses, like wanting to be a child God is proud of. I definitely want to hear well done good and faithful servant at the end of my life. I also really liked the mother who would ask for safety, health and happiness for her child. One of my favorite was boldness to tell others about Christ. Amen to that my dear friend.

As far as my answer, I had to think about it awhile. I know it would have to be something great. It's tempting to want to ask for money but that's so temporal and, though it could help people, I know there are many things greater.

After thinking I answered him back. I would ask to love like God does in thought, word, and deed. The bible says we are to walk in love. Without love we are nothing. There are many spiritual gifts that are wonderful but someday they will pass away. Besides, if I have all spiritual gifts but do not love I am nothing and I gain nothing. (I Cor. 13)

But if I love like our Lord in thought, word and deed, I would see people through the eyes of love. Be motivated by love and act without fear because perfect love drives out fear. (I John 4:18) I would know when to act and when to be still. I would be slow to anger and abounding in love, just like my Lord. (Exodus 34:6) A lot of the fleshly thoughts I have in my head would stop as my heart would be consumed by perfect love.

Perfect love. We have such few examples of that in the world. Even the examples we have don't come close to the love God has. Perfect love is not weak or wimpy. It's actually impressively triumphant, bold, courageous and righteous. It may have looked like Jesus was weak as He stood there having accusations thrown at him hours before His crucifixion, but He was in control the whole time. His motivation was His love for us. There is nothing selfish about perfect love. My desire is that we all can understand how deep Gods love for us is and let his love consume us. I believe it would change us.

As for my fb friends, I'm praying God does give you what you asked for.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. 

I John 3:1a 

Life Is Good

 

Of all the places I've been in my life I have to say that this moment in time is my favorite. Yeah, sure I have financial issues and the unanswered question of what's my body doing but I have to say, life really is good. I have a great husband who loves me and treats me well. More importantly he loves God and lives what he believes. I have four beautiful, smart children and a home to call my own. That was quite a miracle. By the world's standards we shouldn't own a home but God is awesome so here I sit. I can walk, I can run, I can speak, I can shout for joy which is what I've chosen to do today. 

God loves the praises of His people. There's something about praise. Even if it takes everything you've got to praise, you get a little stronger. Then you praise more and get more strength...and on and on. Isn't God great that way. We feel like we are giving but when we give to God He gives back to us.

 

 

Yesterday I visited with one of the pastors from church and he made a point that was very freeing for me. God doesn't condemn us when we go to Him with our complaints. Look at David and all those who wrote the Psalms. There are many complaints in there and it was okay. He doesn't love us more today because we didn't struggle as much. He loves us the same every day. The fact we struggle is a positive. It means we're fighting against flesh and worldly thoughts rather than going with them. We're fighting because we know God is greater and has created us to be greater then what the world has to offer. It's okay to tell God your struggling. He can relate because He to had a body and daily needs that needed to be met. If these daily struggles press us closer to the Lord then I'll praise Him all the more. Just be cautious to not let these struggles push you away from God rather then to Him. He is a good God and He IS for us, not against us.   

In His Time. For His Glory.

The Lord has been reminding me of the many examples in the bible of people who waited on the Lord. The children of Israel waited over 400 years for God to fulfill His promise to return them to their own land. I imagine many of them lost hope and were full of doubt and skepticism.

Then when God gave Moses instructions to get His people out of Egypt it didn't go very smooth. God warned Moses about that beforehand but still, I would imagine, it was hard for the Israelites to keep trusting God was in the middle of the situation. I so easily buy into the lie that if God is in the middle of something it will look neat and tidy. That is so far from the truth. The more impossible a situation looks the brighter God shines. Look at Lazarus. That situation looked hopeless yet God was always in control. He had not forgotten them. Everything was going exactly as God wanted it to. Lazarus was raised from the dead and God received the glory for it. Nothing is impossible for God. (Luke 1:37)

I've also thought about the time when the Israelites got out of Egypt and followed where God wanted them to go only to see Pharaoh's army chasing them with fierce determination. The Israelites had no where to run because the Red Sea was behind them. Moses told them they only needed to be still, God would fight for them. How hard that would have been standing there with your children and watching this cloud of fury coming toward you as you wonder if you need to choose between drowning or death by the sword. Yet, this also was for the glory of God. God was in complete control. The Lord quickly told Moses to stretch his staff over the sea and have the people move forward. I'm sure the sight of the parted Red Sea was unbelievable, intimidating at the least. Anyone would have to be crazy to walk through it but with their backs against a wall what other choice did they have but to take a step forward. Maybe we have situations where we need to feel our backs are against the wall in order to be crazy enough to take the next step of faith. Whatever the reason, God knows what He's doing.

As I've been waiting for the Lord I've found it very challenging to stand on the promises of God. To stand on the fact He will fulfill every word He speaks. Keeping hope has been challenging. I can understand why Sarah laughed when the visitors told Abraham God was now going to fulfill His promise to them for a son. Once again, life was breathed into a seemingly dead situation.

I also remind myself that the fulfillment of God's promises may not look the way we thought they would. The teachers of the law expected the long awaited King of the Jews to look very different then the Jesus who stood before them. God knew Jesus was exactly what the world needed and exactly how they needed it. From the immaculate conception, to Jesus growing up the despised city of Nazareth, to the fact this King did not live in a palace. Jesus may not have looked as some thought he should but this was the exact will of God.

As I thought over my life in other times where I waited for God I can see that God was always faithful to what He said He would do. My faith always grew in those situations and God's glory always shined through. It's in the waiting, refining and heat of the situation that makes the testimony. Yes, happily ever after is a great ending but it's in the struggle, the pain, the refining by fire that we grow. More important then the fulfillment is the death of my flesh that comes in times of waiting. We want to be strong in the Lord but we first have to go through the sweat and tears of training, and purifying.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

Recently I've been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the lack of finances and by my health issues. The Lord has confirmed in several ways that He is answering our cries for help. He has heard us and the answer is coming. In His timing. For His glory.

So now we're waiting...and waiting. Ugh!!! Have you ever waited on the Lord? Oh my! Talk about learning to persevere. I get torn between trusting and feeling forgotten, having faith and losing hope. Every day is like a roller coaster. A spiritual tug of war between emotions and trusting God at His word. At first I was so strong but as time has gone by I'm getting weary and tired. At first I was excited at all the things the Lord was telling me. Looking forward to the day I would see it all. Now I find myself wondering when, and sometimes if, those times will ever comes. My mind is blank, my steps feel heavy. It can even feel hard to breath. At my lowest about a week ago I found myself on the couch while my kids watched a movie, depressed, crying and with all motivation gone to even pick up God's word. Although I know that's where I'll find help. Yet it seemed blank to me. I get tired of words and want to see action from God. Yet, this is on His timing and schedule, not mine. 

I know that we (my husband and I) are still in the will of God. His answer right now is wait and trust Him. So that's what I must do. I can't jump ahead of Him. When you go somewhere on your own effort, somewhere the Holy Spirit has not lead you, you'll come against so much trouble and fail in all your attempts to force God's promises to come faster. Remember Sarah trying to “help” Abraham and his promise for a son. She had him sleep with her maidservant instead of trusting God. That resulted in a mess for generations. We can't get ahead of God and He doesn't need us to help Him move faster. So when He says wait, you need to wait. Easier said then done! Believe me, I KNOW!!!

We will find strength in His joy and joy in His Word. Read it, get it in you. Easy to say. There's been several times I haven't had strength to read His Word. Yet even then, God is faithful. On that lowest day that I talked about earlier I desperately wanted encouragement but was so frustrated and disheartened that I said to God I knew there would be no encouraging words for me that day. I was doubting God and mad at Him. I was feeling like Job. Yet God was good and in the afternoon my mom texted me and wanted to come over. It took awhile for my heart to soften but we did talk and it helped. Even then my Father was caring for me. He never has left me, though it feels like it sometimes. He's right here with me and will never leave me. It says so in His Word so I know it's something I can bank on.

Most days I just go about my day taking care of my kids and doing housework. But inside...at the heart of me is where the tug of war has been more intense then the normal daily battles. I know this is refining me and forming me...but it's hard...to wait.

If you've ever seen Facing the Giants that's what my husband and I feel like. The part where the couple is breaking down at the table and the part where the football player has to do the dead man's crawl blind folded. That's exactly how we feel! We don't know where we're going but God is coaching us to not give up, keep going. We don't know how far we have left and feel like we've given everything, like there's nothing left.

Here's the bottom line. I know God will fulfill every promise. He can not be unfaithful.

I will serve Him, I will love Him. In the good and in the bad. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego put it best, Even if He does not save us, we will still praise Him.  

Regret

I have done plenty of things in my life that I regret. Lately Satan has highlighted several bad choices I made nearly 20 years ago and keeps throwing them back in my face. How different would my life be had I made better choices? I should have known better. What was I thinking? His accusations of me have been effective.

Regret leads nowhere good. Regret turns to jealousy, turns to bitterness and anger, turns to resentment and to feeling unworthy and depressed.

Regret is not of God. We've all made mistakes we need to be redeemed from but Jesus paid the price for us and forgives us when we ask. 

Personally, I have a hard time forgiving myself. Especially when I know I knew better. It's a trap from the devil really. He promotes you to sin, then when you do he won't let you forget it.

If you're a child of God you can forget it because Jesus has already forgotten your mistake when you asked for forgiveness. 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

So child of God, regret not more! You're a child of the One true King.

Hello, my name is regret
I’m pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I’m the whisper inside
That won’t let you forget
Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief
These are the voices, these are the lies
And I have believed them, for the very last time
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it’s true
Just take a look at my life
What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King
~ Matthew West, Hello My Name Is

Focus on His purposes for you. On His plan for your life. God is good!

I will not be chained down by regret. I have been redeemed and set free of the way I used to live. I am not a victim to it anymore. Now that I am free I will live my life according to God's will and will live out His plan for my life. No longer a victim I will shout the praises of God from the mountain tops, to the hillside and yes, even in the valleys of my life.

I have been set free.

I have been made clean.
Jump and shout for joy!
I am no longer a slave.
I am free!

So if the Son sets you free you are free indeed. 
John 8:36

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 23:6

To be beautiful

I prayed a few days ago that the Lord would keep me humble.  He certainly answered quickly. 

Yesterday my pastor posted an article on Facebook from Christianity Today about Angelina Jolie's decision to get a mastectomy because of her high risk of getting breast cancer.  It talked about how women find our identities and our worth in our external appearances, like "the length of our hair, the size of our jeans or the label on our handbag". (quote from Christianity Today)  We hold on to things that we think make us attractive.  In reality it becomes a trap for us.  These things are just superficial beauty.  Who we are to God and who we are inside is what makes us beautiful. 

As I began to digest what the author was saying I looked into myself and saw that I do that.  All that evening the Lord was showing me when I did little things that showed this fleshy side of me.  I saw how I do want to look beautiful to others.  I don't flaunt around or try to get people to notice me but I want to be beautiful...as if I have more value that way. 

I don't think it's wrong to want to look nice.  I see my four year old daughter saying, "Daddy, do I look pretty?"  As she twists and twirls and gives her daddy the prettiest smile.  It's like it's knitted into our being.  No, looking nice is fine.  Where it gets dangerous is when we scale our value from how beautiful we think we are or if others find us beautiful.  Yes, wanting to look pretty is knitted in us but so is our flesh nature.  That's something we must keep in check.  Something I know I need to keep in check because without thinking about it a little part of me thinks that the better I look the more worthy I am.  In our society women get this message at a young age.  It's everywhere.  I especially noticed it when people started saying how I looked really good after I started losing weight.  People said it so much I wanted to scream.  I was losing weight because there is something wrong with my body.  Is that attractive?  I understand where they were coming from but ladies we've been fed a lie.  Our lives don't get better because our jean size is smaller.  Trust me.  We are still the same people living the same lives.  Our lives DO get better when we have peace because we realize how beautiful we are to God.

So in the midst of this I'm seeing my flesh and how many times I primp just a bit or think I need to get my eyebrows waxed, etc...  Now I'm getting disgusted and broken because I see all the flesh I have on me and it's ugly!!!  The ways of the flesh truly are ugly.  Yet through all this the Lord tells me He still loves me.  He has an undying love for me and He always will.  He sees all the ugliness on me better then anyone and yet holds me dear.  Humbling indeed.  There is absolutely nothing good in me on my own.  If you see any goodness on me it's because of Christ.  Left on my own I am truly ugly.

You should clothe yourselves with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.  I Peter 3:4

       

 

A Happy Mother

I feel so privileged to be called mom.  In the business of raising four kids it's easy to take being a mom for granted.  Today I was recalling how gracious the Lord has been to me as a mother.  My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and was very hard on me.  Then I was blessed with my oldest daughter.  A couple years later her father and I divorced.  I was raised not to divorce and that if you did you never thought about getting remarried again.  I guess I thought I would get zapped with a pillar of fire or something.  So I never thought I'd have more then my daughter. 

The Lord was gracious to me and gave me a second chance at marriage and having my own family.  He gave me a wonderful man who loves Christ.  With that blessing the hope of more children.  My next pregnancy (this would be my 3rd pregnancy) also ended in miscarriage. 

A few months later I became pregnant again.  Then I started having problems and thought I was losing this one too.  I went to the ER with mixed emotions.  I was angry and scared.   I had my husband call the prayer chain at church and prayers began for me.  The ER did an ultrasound on me and not to far into it they turned the monitor my direction so I could see the baby.  There was my peanut with his little heart beating steady, completely unaware of the chaos outside his little world.  The ER Dr. gave me some progesterone and it worked for me.  That is how my oldest son came in the world.  God has a special destiny for that little man!  

My 5th pregnancy also ended as a miscarriage but only a few months later I became pregnant again.  Pregnancy 6 I had another beautiful little girl.  I had to give her the middle name of Joy because of the joy her dad and I have to have her. 

Pregnancy #7 I was scared and really had to lean on God.  After all my pattern was to miscarry every other.  My mind became a battlefield as I would hear the enemy dart fear at me daily.  Yet my faithful Lord would remind me He is in control and that is NOT the destiny He has for this child!  I did a lot of leaning on God and my faith grew as did my pregnant body :)  We were blessed with a beautiful baby boy and I will always treasure the promises God has given me for this child.

Through this whole process of losing and having children I've learned to treasure each of the children I hold even more.  It taught me what a gift children are.  It also taught me that no matter how the situation turns out, God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  That I can always lean on Him.  He will always be there to comfort me, to guide me and give me the strength I need for each new day.  That God loves me always and not to judge how much God loves us on our circumstances but to rely on faith that God's love is always there for me. 

I am thankful for the four I hold and comforted at knowing Jesus is holding my other three and when I get to heaven, I'll have three precious children greeting me. 

He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.  Praise the LORD!  Psalm 113:9

Good News

Many of you know I've been losing weight unintentionally.  In the fall I started to keep track of my weight loss.  I was hoping to see a pattern or some clue to help me figure out what is going on.  I realized about a week ago that I've been writing the same number for awhile. Looking back into the log I noticed I've finally stopped losing weight and have leveled out.  For about a month now I've  weighed pretty much the same.  Praise the Lord!  This is an answer to prayer. 

I still have some other things that need looking into.  I have a scope scheduled to look at my upper GI in a few weeks.  I would appreciate prayers on that.  I'm a little nervous.  However my weight stabling is a huge step in the right direction.

I'm looking forward to start exercising and getting healthy.  I want to be stronger and have more energy.  I want to be able to do anything God calls me to do.  I also want to be a good example for my children. 

God has really been taking care of me and helping me through everything.  I feel such peace knowing my Heavenly Father has been walking ahead of me.  A few of you have been asking how I've been so I wanted to post this so we could all rejoice together.          

Rainy days

Resting in the arms of the Almighty. What a quiet place to rest. Listening to the soft rains outside. It may seem dreary out there but it's preparation for a better day, a greener day. Growth happens under the heavy clouds. The sun is still there and will shine upon us again. Although it is shining on us now or there wouldn't be daylight. Sometimes we warm ourselves in the sun's rays but other times we grow under the cold spring rains. Both are needed to keep things in harmony.

I'm finding myself learning to rest...rest beside still waters. To be still and know God is at work. Fighting for me. Birthing His purposes into being for me. It's easy to get distracted by the busyness and brokeness of the world. It's easy to get down in the grayness of rainy days.

I'm clothing myself in the love of the Almighty.

I find security in Him.

I'm turning in caring what others think of me for who God says I am.

I'm trading in my fears as I wait for His full healing touch to be revealed in my life.

I am honored to rest in the quietness of the beauty of God.

His love and peace surround me like a royal robe.

I am honored to be loved by the King of kings. His love is never failing. He is ever faithful to me. Praise be to God.

I'm in a different season...a necessary season. I write this as I am waiting on the Lord to fulfill many promises He has given me. One being the healing of my body. In the waiting I could so easily get depressed and doubt, just as many of us wonder when we will ever see a sunny spring day. Yet I know the sunshine is coming. Joy is coming. My testimony is far beyond anthing I put in this blog. I'm looking forward to the day I can say all the Lord had done and is doing. He is good. He is faithful.

We can choose how to look at these cold, rainy days. They are either dreary and a pain or they are promises of growth at the dawn of a new season.    

Loving the way Jesus loves

Many months ago I found out about a situation where one of my loved ones was wronged in a way that cut me to the fiber of my being. It really rocked my world but I tried to stay well composed on the outside, walking very carefully in how I dealt with the situation. Honestly, I think it shook my world more then it did the person who was wronged. I dealt with the surface stuff that demanded my attention but because it was causing me so much pain I buried the rest of it. Or so I tried. I knew I should give it to God but that would mean I'd have to go through a process of dealing with the pain and I just had no energy left to deal with it at the time.

I've been carrying unforgivness toward the offender for months now. In the last couple of months I can feel my heart very slowly soften. I could hear the Lord whisper to me that I'm going to have to deal with this sooner or later. He won't allow me to continue to have my heart poisoned by unforgiveness.

This weekend I felt Him working on me about it more. This is what came to my mind.

What kind of a witness am I if I won't forgive someone else for what they've done to me or one of my loved ones. The world is full of vicious wolves ready to tell people how horrible they are. But there are much fewer who are willing to show God's unconditional love, grace and forgiveness to someone who has hurt them down to the depths of their soul.

It's so hard to do. It's so much easier to stay angry. It's so much more convenient...for me... to try and make that person disappear out of my life ...but that's not realistic. It doesn't change anything and it's unhealthy; for you, the offender and everyone who's watching you in your journey of life. I believe we usually underestimate how many lives we touch and how deeply we touch them.

Softening your hear and choosing to forgive is not easy! But we...I can not continue to walk in bitterness. Heaven help me!

My children have a front row seat to all I say and do. How I live speaks to them in ways I don't understand right now. They can either watch my heart continue to harden and be troubled and torn.

Or they can have a front row seat to the power of forgiving what many would see as unforgivable. To witness the love of God move in a family and close the gap of separation and pain that sin brings.

The choice seems obvious on paper. Yet my heart is torn between resistance and obedience, self-preservation and loving as Jesus does. I'm scared to go thru the healing process. To deal with the pain I shoved in some corner of my heart. The cleansing light of the Holy Spirit has a way of bringing us to those places in our heart. This is our Lord's saving grace. His revealing our sin to us gives us the opportunity to grow closer to Him. In the end we will have peace, joy and rest.

Going through the process of dealing with something I tried to bury is hard and it probably will have pain. However it's not so much about choosing to forgive as it is choosing to do what Christ wants me to do. It's about obedience and trusting God every step of the way. Remembering that all the while my sweet Savior will be pouring His healing power over the wound and the pain.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

I know that Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. He is ready and waiting to envelope me in His grace.

I choose to forgive but not one my own strength. I wouldn't dare try. My flesh would rather not move but in my spirit I know I must rely on Jesus to help me love and forgive as He does. I must remember that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Ephesians 6:12

I choose to surrender to loving the way Jesus loves.

Getting out of my box

My husband is such an out-of-the-box thinker. Occasionally this has been challenging in our marriage but overall it has been very good for me. Growing up I've always been a rule follower. Show me the list of what is expected of me. I need it concrete, in my hand, so I can know what is and isn't acceptable. They become like boundaries for me. However, it wasn't til after I met and married my husband I realized they also become walls for me.

I love to try and be as efficient as possible with our living space. I do my best to make things look nice with what I have. Not long ago my project was giving me more floor space in the schoolroom so I could arrange the kids' desks better. I kept looking at the schoolroom and could only see a few options. I moved my daughters desk then lay on the floor to stretch out my back. As I did I looked at the ceiling and realized how big the ceiling was. I knew the floor was the same size. Why couldn't I see a better way to organize this room? I prayed, “Lord, help me to see things out of the box here so I can use this room the best way.” Minutes later my husband came in the room and we started talking about how we were going to arrange things. Marc came up with a plan I never would have thought of. It took me a few minutes to rearrange my mind but his idea gave us much more space.

Again as I was reorganizing the schoolroom I was looking to move one of our shelves to the laundry room. There's a huge broom cabinet that was in the laundry room when we moved in. It wasn't fixed to the wall but it was a wall in my mind. Then my husband started saying that he could move the cabinet. “What! That thing is taller then you (and my husband is very tall),” I thought to myself. It was very out of the box for me. I was just planning around it rather then attempting to move it. Marc had no hesitation to move it. In the end he moved it to the opposite wall, rather easily as I cringed and worried the whole time, and it gave me the space I needed to move the other bookshelf there. I have my quiet time in the mornings in my laundry room and I as I was just sitting there, listening to the Lord telling me He hasn't forgotten me in my situation with my health and finances, I noticed the cabinet. What a wall that was for me. How impassible it was to me. Yet my husband did not hesitate and neither will the Lord hesitate to come in at just the right time and move my wall for me, effortlessly though I may cringe and worry the whole time.

                                     “For nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

Instead of always thinking “No, I can't” I need to remember that even if I can't God can. Will I trust Him to go before me? To move whatever He needs to out of my path or help me climb over if that's the way He wants me to go about it? What we see seems so real and fixed but to God it's temporal and easily removable. Even death was not to big of a thing for our Lord to overcome. Why would I ever fear or worry when God is right there with me? Lord, help me to always remember how mighty and powerful and big you are.